9/29/21

I gave myself permission….

Today, I gave myself permission.  I am not a napper.  I never have been.  There was a brief period of time during the early days of marriage before kids when my husband and I would take naps on Sunday afternoons, but those days are long gone. I generally feel hot and lethargic waking up from a nap, and I feel lazy doing it. But right  now I'm dealing with the third virus to cycle through our little family in 3 months, and Thing 3, my 4-month old. 

I choose not to nap because I'm always afraid of my spouse feeling resentment if I do, even though he encourages it. I feel badly neglecting my other children if I choose to rest. “They” say sleep when your baby sleeps, but that never works out for me.  Once I’m up in the morning, I generally don’t feel sleepy until late in the day and when I’m sleepy never coincides with my baby’s long nap periods.  I’m also faced with the great debate of doing something I want to do with time when Baby is down versus what I should be doing. But on this day, I was tired. And I decided I would lie on my side to nurse Baby to sleep and if I felt like it, I would allow myself to sleep too. 

Today, I gave myself permission to sleep...and it turned out okay.  The world did not come to an end, life found a way.  Everyone survived, everyone was safe and fed and cared for as needed.  I hope I’m not the only mother who fears the worst will happen if Mom’s  not there to take care of everyone.  Well, it’s unlikely this experience will change my anxieties about not being around to save the world, but at least this one time (and that’s a start) I gave myself permission to rest, to “be lazy”, to choose me over everyone else.  Today I gave myself permission to be human. 

Holly

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